


hand in unloveable hand

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Body Worship, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29338965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: sometimes, callum doesn't think he's worthy of loving- ben will always be there to tell him otherwise
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 11
Kudos: 64





	hand in unloveable hand

**Author's Note:**

> tw for self worth issues and small references to child abuse/neglect

Callum reckons there’s some part of him that was always scared of falling in love. Scratch that- he’s sure of it, and there’s about a thousand reasons that he can see for it. The main being the fact that he’s not too sure what love like this is supposed to look like. Love when he was a kid was a short grunt when he did something good, or the mercy of not facing a fist at the end of the day. He’d heard that parents were supposed to love their kids, so he could only question whether he should see love in the absence of another place at the dinner table- one absent of a face that he didn’t really remember. Callum had known something different when he was older, and he reckons that’s where the idea of being  _ worthy  _ of love came from. He’d seen something that could only be described as love in the way that Mick had looked at his wife, or in the way he’d ruffle his and Lee’s hair when they came in after a day of school, offering them a biscuit or three as long as  _ you don’t tell L, ‘cause she’ll have my neck! _ He’d seen love in a warm home and warm hugs and a warm dinner around a full table, where there was conversation and laughter and happiness as Callum had never really known it. 

None of it seemed to fit in comparison with everything that Callum knew about love, but then maybe it was a different kind of love, Callum had once thought. One that he wasn’t worthy of. It had been that thought that had followed him through most of his childhood- that thought of never being good enough for it, from the day he was born but he didn’t know how to fix it. That kind of friendly, familial love that hid in ruffled hair and warm laughter wasn’t something for him, and he just had to be content with that. 

There came yet another form of love when he was older, and him and Lee joined the secondary school down the road. It was the kind of love that Lee seemed to see in the tall girl with the brown hair in the year above them. That kind of love hid in stolen whispers and an encouraging elbow to Callum’s side whenever she - or just about any other girl for that matter, apparently that’s what teenage boys were like - walked by them in the corridors. She never noticed either of them, obviously, but Callum was confident that was a type of love in itself. 

Then came the kind of love that showed itself when Lee got his first girlfriend. She was nice enough, with blonde curly hair to her shoulders and bright brown eyes and a laugh that Callum could never tell if it was cruel or kind. Lee stuck by her side for the couple of weeks that they were together, and when they broke up he convinced Callum it was true love, soulmates. 

He wasn’t too sure, but what did he know?

Callum couldn’t see the meaning in that love, really- not that he ever told anyone that, of course. He never seemed to look at the girls that Lee liked and see the same things that he did. He’d settled on the fact that he wasn’t enough to be loved like that, just like he wasn’t worth the same kind of love that Mick offered Lee and it was just that- a simple fact of his life. 

It wasn’t until later that he learnt what it meant to be gay. 

It felt- like  _ something _ . But that something was terrifying, so he ignored it, because it felt easier to believe that he just wasn’t enough. 

It feels as though Ben tries to change that feeling every day, without even knowing. Or maybe he has worked it out, because they have strikingly similar upbringings and Callum’s never asked but he reckons Ben’s had the same thoughts that he has through the years. 

This kind of love- it feels like laying himself bare, throwing out everything that’s dark in him at Ben’s feet and going  _ love me anyway _ . And Ben does. Sometimes Callum’s not sure why, convinced that one day it’ll change but he does. 

He feels it more on days like this, when he watches himself walking through his life and wondering what there really is to love. 

It plays at the back of his mind all day, and maybe Ben notices but he doesn’t say anything, not until they’re getting ready for bed. 

They brush their teeth side by side and Callum can’t help but watch Ben’s eyes in the mirror. They’re this beautiful swirling blue and for some reason he remembers that they’re the first thing he noticed about the other man, right from the first time they shook hands over the bar of the Vic. It’s one of those things that has stayed with him all this time, like the feeling of Ben’s lips on his for the first time, or the feeling of the first time they’d held hands, or the first time Ben had held him. There’s a whole list of firsts that feel burnt into his mind and he never wants to forget them because it feels like he’s living a whole new lifetime with Ben. It feels somewhat huge and it’s terrifying, but he never wants to stop. 

Ben spits into the sink and rinses his mouth out, and when their eyes connect again there’s a soft smile on Ben’s face. He doesn’t say anything, but in that moment it feels like there’s so much more in the unsaid. 

Ben presses a kiss to his shoulder as he passes, and the skin tingles through his t-shirt well after the other man has gone. 

By the time Callum gets back to the bedroom, Ben’s laid out on his side, scrolling through something on his phone. The curtains are pulled closed and there’s just the bedside light on now, that casts this sort of soft atmosphere across the whole room. Ben’s skin glows in the low light and it almost twinkles with starlight, and in that moment Callum’s sure he never thought he’d love like this. 

“Take a picture, babe,” Ben says, voice low and content, with this little smirk on his face. “It’ll last longer.” 

“Shut up,” Callum says, but really he never wants Ben to stop talking. 

“Mm, get over here then,” he replies, throwing his phone onto the bedside table and reaching out towards where Callum’s stood, and he can’t help but oblige. 

He slips into bed and Ben’s around him immediately, leg curling around his own and head dipping into the crook of his neck, laying a couple of soft kisses there. 

“You okay?” he says quietly, so much so that Callum almost doesn’t hear it. He’s not sure what to say, so he just hums in response. “You’ve been quiet today.” 

Callum sighs. “Just- stuck in my head, that’s all. No need to worry though.” 

“I’ll always worry about you,” Ben says instantly, and for some reason  _ always  _ races through him. “What you thinking about?” 

He’s quiet for a minute, and then- “I don’t know, I just-”

Thoughts of his childhood come back, thoughts of never feeling good enough and he wants to spill all, wants Ben to know exactly what this is about and hold him through it. 

“I didn’t think I deserved to be loved like this.” 

The words come out quiet, hesitant almost, like Callum thinks that maybe this time he says them will be the time Ben finally gives up, finally declares that Callum’s too much. He doesn’t, of course, just sits up a little further so that their eyes connect. 

“You do, Callum,” he says, voice low. “You deserve to be loved, and you always did. You just- didn’t get it yet.” 

Callum nods, but evidently it’s not convincing enough. 

“Can I show you?” Ben asks. “How much you deserve to be loved?” 

Callum’s intimately familiar with this question. This is a game they’ve played before, a dance to a familiar song and it’s one that’s almost muscle memory by now. He knows both parts- the part of the lover and the part of the one to be convinced. Ben plays the lover tonight, although that’s perhaps not the best analogy because none of this is an act. Maybe that’s terrifying. Maybe it also kind of isn’t. 

It’s not sexual, this- it just  _ is.  _ It’s something for the two of them, and it‘s as simple as that. It’s not for anyone else, just them and their bed and the light that washes a gold glow across the room. It’s something that no one else will ever touch, and Callum kind of likes that. 

Ben pulls the covers back, bunching them a little at the bottom of the bed and slips his sleep shirt off, so that he’s just in boxers. Callum lies back, head hitting the pillow and he lets himself relax into its softness. 

Ben takes his hand first, the one that lays on the bed closest to him. Their fingers intertwine on instinct and there’s a comfort in that familiarity. Ben presses a kiss to the back of his hand, and then to the inside of his wrist, before leaning the side of his head against it. Callum’s fingers shift, so that they can just cup Ben’s head and he smiles softly, eyes closed for a moment. 

Ben shifts again after a minute, and places Callum’s hand back to where it was before he’s leaning back up for a kiss. It’s not insistent or fuelled or anything like that- it just is. It’s soft and loving and it feels like if love tasted like anything, it would be this. They stay like that for a while, just kissing and Ben slips his hands under Callum’s sleep shirt- not pushing it off, not asking for anything- just laying there. They run carefully over the skin where it’s smooth and warm and Callum marvels - not for the first time - at just how Ben seems to know exactly what he needs, even before he knows himself. Because taking his shirt off feels a little bit too much for right now, and Ben doesn’t say a word about it. Just lets his hands caress the skin gently, lovingly and it’s perfect. 

Ben shifts himself a minute later, so that he’s got a leg either side of Callum’s hips but their lips never leave each other, and it’s as if neither of them can bear to pull away, even for a second. That’s probably true, really- Callum never wants to let go, to lose this.

Even this feels like another type of love to everything else. It’s a physical, visceral thing and it’s an unstoppable fire, burning between them two of them. It’s something that’s harsh and bright but perfect at the same time. It’s unconditional, and it’s being loved in the dark and in the light - being loved when you can hide parts of yourself in the shadows, and when you’re too tired to hide. 

(Callum’s not sure which is scarier- someone choosing to love you, even when they know there’s things they can’t see, or offering your absolute everything to someone and hoping that they won’t turn their back.)

This type of love- it’s all consuming, and it takes everything in him not to turn it away because it’s hard to give into sometimes. The feeling of Ben’s lips against his is a fair distraction, though. 

Callum’s not sure how long they lay there, just kissing and being close, with Ben’s hands running carefully under his t-shirt. They start off around his hips and then sweep up, over his ribcage and up to his collarbones. His fingers hover there for a minute, curving over the bones and it tickles a little, and Callum’s giggling into Ben’s mouth. It feels happy and playful and he  _ loves  _ it, loves this feeling with absolutely everything. Ben’s hands move on eventually, one sweeping down to rest at his hip. The other comes over to rest, palm flat, over his heart as it races. 

( _ It beats for you,  _ he wants to say. He thinks Ben might already know.)

Ben tears his lips away a minute later and Callum chases him, not ready for him to stop just yet and the other man huffs out a little laugh. 

“Alright, pretty boy, I ain’t going nowhere,” he says, voice happy and sweet and  _ pretty boy  _ burns in Callum’s chest- especially the way Ben says it like it’s nothing. 

(It’s absolutely everything to Callum, but he doesn’t know how to put that into eloquent words so he stays quiet. He’s got a hunch Ben knows anyway.)

He presses a kiss to Callum’s chin and then the side of his jaw, and down to the place where his neck meets his shoulder. Callum flinches away instinctively as the feeling tickles him, and Ben giggles again but he moves on. Careful hands lift Callum’s t-shirt up a little and he presses kisses over his chest and they tickle, everywhere he places them- over the base of his ribs and across his stomach, the centre of his chest and just above his belly button. The softness of it all serves to make Callum feel so  _ adored _ , and maybe he’s starting to be able to convince himself that he’s worthy of this. 

Ben stays there for a minute, pressing kisses to the skin, before he shuffles forward a little and swings his leg back over, then moves so that he’s sat between Callum’s legs. He sits there for a minute just looking and Callum can’t help but squirm a little under his gaze, because it’s weird to be looked at the way Ben’s looking at him- as if there’s nothing else in the world he’d rather look at. A hand comes up to rest against his knee, thumb grazing carefully over the skin as Ben just  _ looks _ . 

“You-” Ben starts, then takes a breath. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” 

He says it with such certainty that it sends shivers down Callum’s spine- there’s no room for argument. Ben says it like it’s a concrete truth, and every time he speaks of Callum with that much certainty it makes him believe it about himself, just a little bit more. 

Callum can feel the way the instinctual blush creeps over his face, all the way up to the tips of his ears like it always does (he hates it, but Ben loves it). Callum starts to look away, something in him desperate to escape the intense look that Ben’s giving him because it feels like too much for him, and Callum’s never been able to take a compliment. 

Ben catches his chin before he can fully look away though, just gently tugging him back. 

“Hey,” he says, voice a little worried. “Look at me.” 

Callum does, and maybe that’s a win in itself. 

“I love you,” Callum replies, and his voice wobbles a little but he can’t find it in himself to care. “So much.” 

Ben smiles back at him, hand coming from just beneath his chin to sweep just along his jaw. “I love you too, Cal.” 

There’s a moment, where they’re just looking into each other’s eyes and it’s  _ so much _ . The moment’s broken by Ben’s hand sweeping quickly down to his feet and tickling over the soles. 

“Fuck!” Callum shouts, kicking out straight away and the sound of Ben’s mischievous laughter is like music to his ears, even through the torture because apparently telling Ben that he’s ticklish is the worst mistake he’s ever made. “Get off me, you prick!” 

He catches Ben off guard and tackles him down, tugging his hands away from his feet and bringing Ben into his chest. He’s still rattling with laughter, and the vibrations hum through Callum’s chest. 

“You’re a fucking menace, you know that,” Callum says, pinching Ben’s arm a little. 

“Oi, you. Too tempting, babe,” Ben replies as his laughter starts to die down, but there’s still this blissfully happy tone to his voice that Callum adores. 

“Still love you though,” Callum says, bringing Ben closer to him so that they’re almost skin to skin, absolutely no space between them because Callum needs it right now, to just feel so close that they’re almost one. “Even if you’re an absolute nightmare.” 

“Sounds about right,” Ben smiles back, before it fades into something softer, more concerned as he turns just a little so that their eyes meet. Ben’s hair tickles the skin of his neck and it sends a shiver through him. “You okay?” 

It takes him a minute to think, but- “Yeah. Just- thank you.” 

“You don’t need to thank me, babe,” Ben says, offering him a soft smile. “Now I’m gonna fall asleep on you because we’ve got Lexi tomorrow night and fuck knows she’s gonna keep us up watching Frozen ‘till midnight.” 

“Fair enough,” Callum laughs, a hand coming to run through Ben’s hair as he settles. 

The pressure of Ben laying there settles the last of  _ something  _ that’s racing around his chest, and the feeling that’s been plaguing him all day drifts to the back of his mind, out of sight. It’s not gone forever, and it’ll come back someday but it seems like Ben’s determined to be there every time, and that’s enough for him. 

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this a couple days ago when i was having a bit of a bad time and honestly i actually kinda like it?? i desperately want ee to explore callum's past a little bit more and within that, the kind of stuff that he might still deal with it from that? like i desperately wanna see mama highway, or at least have him talk about her around the wedding because i think that would be so so sweet.  
> anyways i hope you enjoyed, comments and kudos mean the world to me, and lots and lots of love to u all!!  
> leo x (come scream at me on tumblr @bensdove)


End file.
